I have had several “Check Your Game” moments in my life, but one that particularly stands out and triggered a lot of growth and development happened when I was on holiday with my wife.
We were staying in Rome, Italy, for a few days before she was going to be attending a conference.
The last full day that we were there (after I had been a bit of a sour grape for most of the trip), I was feeling quite low and introspective. I probably said something rude or fatalistic, and my wife turned to me and said
“Do you even want to work on us?”
Those words hit me like a bag of wet sand. My mind was reeling, and the most frightening thing for me at that moment was that I didn’t know the answer. I had a nervous shock come over me from that big question.
Well, I flew home to the UK early the next morning, and that gave me travel time and a few days at home alone to think about things. I made the choice that I was going to commit to working through our challenges if we could.
One of the big challenges that I was facing at the time was an addiction to pornography. It was a part of my life I’m not proud of, but praise God that He didn’t leave me there.
Psalm 40:1-3 says, “I waited patiently for the LORD; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD.”
I lived this Psalm during that time. There were so many days when it was a defiant act of faith just to read the verses, “He set my feet on a rock.”
Well, without going into too many details, my marriage is better and I have experienced freedom from porn and lustful behaviors like I never imagined.
The other thing that I never imagined was the level of freedom that God had in store for me, that God wanted for me. God is so much more interested in my freedom that I ever have been (or likely ever will be).
Coaching and counseling were instrumental in my recovery process and the healing I needed to do from unknown trauma and pain that I was carrying.
But here’s the surprising thing. I never fixed my addiction by focusing on my addiction, and I didn’t “fix” my marriage by focusing on the problems in my marriage.
I fixed both of them by focusing on Him and relying on Him completely.
In my marriage, I also returned my focus to my wife, rather than focusing solely on my hurts and needs.
I needed that experience, knowing that I was helpless without God to grow beyond my past story, and into God’s story for me. And now it is my mission to help others experience the same freedom in their lives as I continue to experience in mine.
May the journey continue to the glory of God!
My Advice
You are where you are, but you don’t have to stay there.
Find someone who has achieved your goal, or overcome your challenge and learn from them. But in the end, the one thing that is necessary is knowing God and loving Him. Walking with Him as we progress on this earthly journey.
“In the end, the one thing that is necessary is knowing God and loving Him.”
Amen! He is the deliverer. Thank you, Scott, for sharing your faith journey and talking openly about a topic that is often avoided in Christian circles. I pray God would use your testimony to deliver hope to everyone who hears it!
May he continue to bless your marriage and your coaching business!
Thanks for your courage & vulnerability to expose your inner demon’s Scott. There’s always a hidden need beneath pornography as I discovered in our marriage. My husband’s dad’s tragic death by suicide kept his voice SILENT for decade’s until he faced his painful past including sex addiction’s & betrayal’s in our broken marriage.
Most men don’t talk openly about these hidden secret’s. God sees. He know’s. He cares & He is able to heal our mind & marriage. It took me looking in the mirror at my secret’s, facing one of my abuser’s with support, getting deep with God & being willing to be vulnerable with my husband.
You are to be commended for Changing Your Game & helping men understand that temptation with sex addiction’s begin in mind before acting out!
Scott I commend you, as Barbara stated, for being courageous and vulnerable enough to share about your redemption from this horrible addiction. I find it interesting that the only people who commented on your story were both women. I truly believe that, just as I did at one point, that we think that as men we should have the strength within us to handle this addiction and not let it effect our lives in anyway. That is a lie, straight out of the pit of hell, and spoken directly off the lips of Satan himself.
I will qualify my opinion above with a short story of my own. At one point in my life I found myself being appointed as the Church Leader of a Men’s Fellowship. During one of our regular meetings I sensed that the Holy Spirit wanted me to share a part of my testimony that I had never shared with anyone before. I exposed to all of the men present that I had been addicted to pornography and healed of my addiction by our Savior and Lord, and went on to say that if anyone else had an issue like mine that I was living proof that there is hope and help to be had, all anyone had to do was to ask to be healed. It was at this point that all but three of 80+ men pushed away from me and eventually even the Pastor indirectly made me feel like it was time for me to step down from my leadership role, and I did. Eventually me and my wife left the church. Not because we were pushed out, but because we sensed that the work that we were sent to accomplish in that church was finished.
I am sure that I am not saying anything, that in some degree, you and everyone with this addiction in there past hasn’t experienced. Just like you, I will not let it define me, and I have been freed from the chains of its bondage, and by the blood of our Savior it will never control that part of my ability to love myself and others ever again. Be blessed my brother in Christ Jesus, and may your service to our Lord be blessed until your cup overflows its edges! YBICJ
Thank you for having the courage to share something that pervades and destroys our culture and marriages, yet is taboo to talk about. We need more strong, brave people like you to bring this into the light and show how God heals every part of us. I’m so grateful for you and your story!
Bravo Scott, faith and your diligence with that faith led to God’s saving grace!
In reply to Staci Diffendaffer.
Thank you so much for the encouragement Staci.
It is a challenging topic to speak about sometimes, but definitely a necessary topic right now.
In reply to Jean.
Jean,
Thank you for sharing your insights. I’m sad that was your experience, but it is also too common in churches.
Strangely, if you had come from a life outside the church, and pornography was cleaned out of your life at and around conversion, you would be celebrated in those same churches and invited to speak even…
It is my experience that more women support and interact with my posts related to pornography, which is sad because it is primarily men’s problem.
So thank you for taking time to read/watch and engage with my story and post. And thank you for sharing your story, my it be a light of hope for others.
In reply to Barbara Joy Hansen.
Barbara,
Thank you for a vulnerable response, and for the encouragement.
My heart is breaking that you and your husband had to go through that.
I wish I was the only one, but it is the hidden epidemic in the church.
You have highlighted some critical steps in “Going deep with God, facing an abuser with support, and vulnerability with your husband”
Those are not easy steps and I applaud your courage!
Thank you
In reply to Peggy+Bodde.
Thank you for the encouragement Peggy,
I receive that encouragement and blessing.
The Kingdom advances