After his continuous pursuit, I later married my high school prom date (12/25/1995). We had a beautiful daughter and the love story was off and running. I was young, ambitious, determined, and focused on building a career. Our early years appeared to be marital bliss, but I’d now say that was me being naïve. I had it made, his mother raised him to be a provider, taught him to cook, and clean. When I met him, I was working two jobs, not because I had to, but I was the middle child of five. My taste was more than my mother could afford. I wanted better than what Zayre and Kmart had to offer at the time, so my mother allowed me to work through an OJT (on-the-job) program offered through my school. That allowed me to buy what I liked– Bandalinos, Nike, etc. My husband gave me the privilege to stay home. I tried it for a while but got bored so went to cosmetology school and obtained my license. I went back to work and would quit anytime I didn’t like it, or someone irritated me because now I didn’t have to…but everything comes with a price.

That price was my husband was always away “working.” I didn’t pay much attention at the time because I was able to stay home and still had the ability to buy what I wanted. To some that would be the dream, but my love language was quality time. His working started to drive a wedge. I turned inwardly and didn’t communicate my feelings or needs. I went back to work then school and often times we were “passing in the night.” I ignored my feelings, the signs, and anything that would appear to bring conflict. At this point, I knew he was cheating, but I had no evidence. I made a dumb decision to have an affair because he was doing it. That didn’t solve the problem. I later learned I wasn’t sinning against my husband; I was sinning against God. That revelation devastated me. It may seem like common sense to some, but it wasn’t to me. I was a babe in Christ. I loved God, I never wanted to hurt Him. It took me over a year to forgive myself for doing that (receive God’s forgiveness).

Well… Labor Day weekend of 2003, what I had suspected for some time was revealed. I found out my prom date had been cheating on me. My heart was crushed. I was hurt. I was angry. I was betrayed. I couldn’t understand how God would allow this to happen to me, His favorite. Cheating was a dealbreaker for me, so I packed his stuff and put him out the same day I found out. I wanted a divorce. I wanted to be done with it. I called the only person I felt safe enough to talk to, my spiritual mother. I don’t know why, but I did not expect her to tell me I couldn’t get a divorce. The bible says I can for this very reason! She reminded me that signing a divorce paper wouldn’t stop my heart from hurting and it wasn’t the will of God. I toiled with this for a long time, I just wanted out. I began to seek God. I reminded Him of what Joyce Meyer’s said – there is something in the bible to heal every place I hurt. Where is it God? Show me in your word. He took me to Jeremiah 3:1, which talks about the Israelites and how they kept committing adultery against Him and He kept taking them back. Really God? What are you saying? You said I could divorce for the sake of adultery. He then sent me to the story of Hosea and Gomer. God knew Gomer, his wife, was a prostitute and he told him to marry her. Every time she would go to sell her body God would tell him to go get her off the block. God, this ain’t right!

These conversations went on and off for days, weeks, months until he gave me yet another Rhema word, which sealed it for me. I was watching TBN and a couple was sharing about their experience with infidelity and how their marriage was stronger after it. I asked God yet again, do I have to do this? His response, you don’t have to. You can divorce and I will still bless you But if you don’t fight, your daughter will have to fight this same thing. He showed me it was a generational curse. My parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents had divorced. It was at that moment I decided divorce could no longer be an option. My daughter will have to fight some things, but she won’t have to fight divorce because I wasn’t strong enough to do it. Of course, the enemy tried to tell me what if she still goes through a divorce. My response, so what. It will be her choice, but it won’t be because her mother didn’t fight.

Did it get easier to do the work? No. It only took divorce away as an option. Now that I had made a decision to fight for my marriage, I could focus 100% of my attention on doing just that. This revelation didn’t change things between me and my husband immediately. It was a process. We ended up being separated for three years before he decided to come home. Even then, he came home because he was about to go to prison. He came home and a few weeks later turned himself in to do a 3-year prison sentence. This is where our work really began. God had our undivided attention. He began to show me who I was and who I needed to forgive. One being my father. I never knew I had unforgiveness toward my daddy, I’m a daddy’s girl. But God showed me I needed to forgive him for leaving me as a child. That brought healing to me and my father. I learned he hadn’t forgiven himself for what he did to my mother and us. From there, He taught me self-care, how to rebuild trust, and walk in the newness of life. It was several years later that God revealed to me my inability to trust others entered when my father left. If I couldn’t trust my father how could I trust anyone let alone another man? He was also working on my husband to my surprise. He was reading, seeking counseling, and ultimately earned his certificate for attending marriage counseling.

When my husband came home, it was now time to activate what we had both been learning. A rush of emotions, memories, and triggers came in like a mighty rushing wind. All of the rage and anger I had suppressed would creep up at the most inopportune times. I learned it was because I hadn’t truly forgiven my husband. God helped me to do that in a way that I no longer had negative emotions or actions tied to memories or triggers that would arise.

It was a long and winding journey, but the reward was invaluable. I finally got to the place where I could laugh about the situation and have a conversation with my husband about it without it turning into an argument. It took God, individual counseling, and couples counseling but we got there. Today, I am able to share my story with other women and help them overcome the pain of infidelity.

In May 2020 I published my story, The Pain of Infidelity Births Purpose, along with the journal, The Blueprint to Becoming Whole. December 25, 2020, my husband, Joseph, and I celebrated 25 years of marriage. The joy I have now is amazing! No more shame, guilt, or embarrassment. Freedom is beautiful! I now teach other women the 5 pillars to restoration –Forgiveness, Prayer (A Vertical Relationship), Self-care, Walking in the newness of life (Knowing who you are), and Rebuilding Trust.

My Advice

Two wrongs don’t make a right. Seek God. Obey. Don’t allow condemnation, guilt, or shame to keep you from healing and telling your story. Somebody’s life is dependent upon you opening your mouth. Walk in forgiveness—true forgiveness. It’s okay to trust again. Take care of yourself. Learn who you are and own it. Walk in the newness of life. There is purpose in your pain, don’t waste it.